Four Questions About Four Personalities In Your Life Or Around Your Table

by Rabbanit Dalia Davis, inspired by Michelle Friedman


This is an exercise anyone can use. You can use it as you prepare for gathering around your Passover seder table, or, honestly, for any relationship or interaction you value. 

How can we use the Passover structure of "The Four Questions" and "The Four Children" to help us navigate these relationships and interactions?

If we remind ourselves that our goal is to create connection, these questions can help us navigate that path.

FOUR PERSONALITIES

First, an identification of the four personalities that many of us might find in our lives. Can you identify individuals in your life who might relate to some aspects of these four personalities?

CHACHAM

The Chacham is the person at your seder table who approaches everything intellectually. This person may have read more than you, have more background and knowledge and grasp of the facts than you. Perhaps this person is older than you or much younger and may not respect you as an intellectual equal. This person may speak to you in a slightly (or not so slightly) patronizing manner, and you may find that when you speak to this person you feel interior, and you may begin to doubt yourself.

TAM

The Tam is the person at the table who struggles to see the nuance. In their mindset everything is an either/or, there are no yes-ands. They approach the topics that you feel most passionate about with a black and white lens and are not open to adding more color to their perspective. They are fixed in their mindset irrespective of what ideas you put forth, they are not open to a shift or an expanse.

RASHA

The Rasha, the "evil" personality is the person who loves to argue and make provocative statements. This person may interject a political comment into a moment of spirituality or benign discussion. This person might may comments that are intended to get a response out of you. Their jokes may be off color, their comments offensive, and they may not treat you with respect or kindness.

SHEH'AINO YODEH LISHOAL

The Sheh'aino Yodeh Lishoal is someone who is apathetic and uninterested in what tugs at your heart. You may share your concerns and thoughts in a passionate and persuasive way with this person, and only receive a response along the lines of "it'll be ok" or "it is what is is." When you interact with them you long for validation and even perhaps a challenge, but you find yourself left without either.

FOUR QUESTIONS

After reflecting on each of these four personalities you might find in your life, ask yourself the following four questions:

  1. Which of each of these personalities might you interact with during Passover?
  2. What are you worried about might happen when you interact with this person?
  3. What pieces of your core identify might be activated by this interaction?
  4. What might be the best way to approach interactions with this person?

Awareness and preparation are important tools to walking into any interaction. Keep your goals in mind and heart - your desired outcome is calm and connection. Also remember the fifth personality.

RAYA

The "Raya" the friend. This is the person that you can always turn to, that approaches you with an open mind and a loving heart. The Raya is empathetic, compassionate, and present for you whenever you need support. You do not need to plan for your interactions with the Raya, as you do with other personalities you may encounter. You just need to notice the people who play the role of Raya in your life, appreciate them, and take care to be the Raya for them in return.








haggadah Section:
Source: https://www.svivah.org/