“It is literally impossible to be a modern Jewish woman” | Passover haggadah by Esther Kustanowitz

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Like many women of my age (or other ages), I’ve been thinking about the famous “it is literally impossible to be a woman” monologue since I saw America Ferrera recite it in ‘Barbie’ last July. And the more you look at the monologue, the more you see how pivotal America Ferrera’s delivery of it was to its popularity - without her, it could have read like a laundry list of all the various tightropes that women walk in the world.

And as Pesach arrives in a year of war for Israel, and general topsy-turviness in the world at large, I find myself looking at the monologue for not just what it means for women in the world, but for what an equivalent monologue might look like for Jewish women. It would have to ring true to the experiences of many, while acknowledging the individuality of experience that Jewish women have worldwide. They may be the dominant force at home or equal co-partners or flying solo, with or without children. They may be enmeshed with their workplaces (especially in education and Jewish nonprofit) and in the leadership at many of today’s peace- and justice-seeking organizations. And in homes where Passover prep requires significant time, physical labor and costly supplies, these efforts are often also added to the plates of Jewish women.

You could read this as a response to Eshet Chayil, the “Woman of Valor” poem whose sentiment is appreciated (the children shall praise her, indeed) even as its traditional text contouring the expectations of Jewish women seems to many of us outdated. Or as a companion piece, as you rewatch ‘Barbie ‘ through a Jewish lens. Or to think about all the women in your life and what they’ve done for your physical, emotional or spiritual growth. Or as a space for expression of frustration regarding expectations in general, and a place for listening and holding space while others share their discomfort. Or however you need it this year.

May you find yourselves free to make your own choices, to prioritize what you find meaningful, and to do what you can to enable that same freedom for others.

[Unbolded text is from the original monologue written by Greta Gerwig and Noah Baumbach, available to view here: http://youtube.com/watch?v=CBqlDWHkdHk ; older text is my edit of phrases from the original. But I’m sure you figured that out. :) -EDK]

It is literally impossible to be a modern Jewish woman. You are so beautiful, and so smart, and it kills me that you don't think you're good enough to be a Jewish leader. Like, we have to always be extraordinary, but somehow other people are getting the credit.

You have to urge people to eat heavy Jewish foods, but not eat too much, yourself. You can never say you want seconds. You can make the kugel, the latkes, the hamentashen, the challah, but you can’t eat the kugel, the latkes, the hamentashen, the challah. You have to say you want to be healthy, but you have to feel and express guilt for every matzo ball consumed or gym day skipped because you had to do everything else you have to do in a given day and then get the yellow-capped kosher-for-Passover Coke at the supermarket before they sold out.

Jewish life is expensive, so you have to have money for food and education and synagogue memberships, but you can't ask for money from donors or employers because that's crass, and you probably earn just enough money to be ineligible for need-based scholarships. You have to be a boss, but you can't get CEO jobs because they are already occupied by men who have been in them for 30 years. You have to lead, but you can't be perceived as pushy or assertive, especially around men, because you’ll remind them of their mothers. You're supposed to love being a mother, but don't talk about your kids all the damn time, and if you don’t have kids, you’re supposed to understand it as failure that marks you as an outsider, someone who will feel like she is living outside the camp and that her value to the collective is less. You have to be a career woman who doesn’t need a man to lift her up, but also always be looking out for other people, either to elevate them or to watch them as they rise beyond you in stature or salary, or maintain the home front even though it’s 2024.

You have to answer for men's bad behavior in general and especially when it happens to you, around you or on your watch, which is insane, but if you point that out, you're denied, gaslit, told you’re overreacting or that you’re too sensitive. You're supposed to be attractive, but not so attractive that you tempt men too much with your singing voice, your hair, your elbows, your knees, your ankles, your face or your actual existence, and don’t embarrass them by showing you know more about Judaism (or anything else) as you plan events for the sisterhood.

Always feel responsible and always change the world. But never forget that the system is based on the original patriarchy. So you have to acknowledge that as you constantly bump up against restrictions but also always be grateful.

You have to never get old, never envy, talk about or compete with your neighbors, never be selfish, never show weakness, never be seen planning ahead and never be unprepared, never put yourself first, never find chametz in your house on Passover, never let them see the effort you expend and say things like “it was no trouble,” or “it was my pleasure” instead of telling the truth: It's too hard! It's too contradictory and nobody (in an Orthodox shul) gives you an aliyah or honors you at the shul dinner or names you to a list of a certain number of Jewish people under or over the age of a certain number or for being who you are every day, but they’re always there to tell you that not only are you doing everything wrong, but also everything is your fault.

I'm just so tired of watching myself and every single other Jewish woman tie herself into five-rope challah braids or multi-wick havdalah candles so that people will like us…

Four Questions (for discussion):

What part of being a Jewish woman is the most challenging? (Or if you don’t identify as a woman, what do the Jewish women in your life say about the challenges of being a Jewish woman?)
When you saw the ‘Barbie’ movie, did you see your experiences reflected anywhere? If so, where and why? Share a story with people around the table.
In reading the revised, Jewish version of the monologue above, did you see your experiences reflected anywhere? If so, where? Share a story with people around the table.
How can we help change unreasonable expectations around what it means to be a modern Jewish woman?

As we work to heal ourselves, may that healing bring us closer to peace.

haggadah Section: Introduction

Source: http://youtube.com/watch?v=CBqlDWHkdHk